[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who's Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn't that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life would be if-if I'd never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: I'd bet I'd still be doing my kara-tay. (That's karate, he's just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y'know, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there's Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job's fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don't have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didn't you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y'know that if I'd work with stocks, I'd have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Opening Credits
{Transcriber's note: This is where the opening credits are, but they're not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel's still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they're dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn't apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. It's-it's me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica's brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, I'm-I'm married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isn't it the best?
Rachel: Oh, it's the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how's Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she's right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she'd be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, don't you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, it's okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don't...
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Don't you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let's go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica's boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica's fat, I won't be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He's not boring! He's just-he's just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y'know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it's a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! What's the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Y'know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question what's more boring than him?
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: That's an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: That's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She's wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh that's so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it's a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it's okay. It's okay, you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She's not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And that's Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we've seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon's party. I played you one of my songs, y'know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are-do you, do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I'll play you one of my other...
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: He's coming over! He's coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and can't look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachel's hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you...
Joey: Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She's not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin'?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who's this? (Listens) Oh okay, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I... Whatever... Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, it's my boss!
Joey: All right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don't you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: You're his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monica's room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't call my office they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can't breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what I'm having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Commercial Break
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it's not that bad! Y'know most people would be excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Let's take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y'know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So what's going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, I've been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend...
Phoebe: Oh that's not so bad.
Ross: ...will be two months...
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: ...since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other...
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Y'know, dirty talk, mange-a-tois, toys...
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing... You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you're-you're-you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So how's it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I'm with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I'm lost and I can't find food."
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! She's right in there! (Points to Phoebe's room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y'know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn't.
Joey: Why? (In Drake's voice.) Why can't the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn't that a line from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake's voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: That's a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there's pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: I'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our sex life is-it's just not working...
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don't we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life... I was thinking, maybe I don't know, we could try some-some new things. Y'know? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I don't know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol's shocked and obviously doesn't like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn't like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y'know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! That's great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You're a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out...) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won't let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn't budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just want to say I'm sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y'know? I mean, y'know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: It's not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist-as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And I'm one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Well, y'know it's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y'know I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, you're not.
Rachel: Oh, it's so easy for you I mean, you're not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don't think I don't, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. You've, you've done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I'm some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! You're a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: It's not like, I haven't any opportunities. I mean, y'know, I'm just waiting for the perfect guy. I'm seeing this guy Roger, all right? He's not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y'know, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you've waited long enough!!
Monica: Y'know what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be all this rules and restrictions! Y'know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever...
Monica: Rachel! I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe's room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I'm so glad you're here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can't come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she's fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it's a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It's set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: You've done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: That's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: You're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey's phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiche.
END
